Becoming the Butterfly You Were Meant To Be

Leaving the Nest

2011-10-07T13:00:00.002-07:00

At the end of our adolescence we need to separate from our parents and find a level of autonomy.

This will be different for each individual. Those whose parents send them off to college, know that it will be longer for those to leave the nest fully. (My oldest son!) Some get jobs right out of school and move out as soon as possible. (That's what I did!) Either way, eventually it will be necessary for the individual to separate from their family and come to a sense of autonomy.

Unfortunately, for some children who grow up in abusive homes, decisions can be rushed with negative results. Some children cling to a supportive parent when an abusive one is out of the home, and become co-dependent. I have met groups of siblings living together, who believe that no one else understands, and they must stick together. It's like they have melded into a unit. The one good at budgeting does it, the one more outgoing does the shopping, etc. This is not separation or autonomy. These individuals will never fully live their own lives. Sometimes one of the siblings "meets someone" and moves out, leaving the other lost in the world, feeling alone.

Separation is a good and natural thing. All baby birds must leave the nest, if they are to start their own. If you have never made that step of separation, examine why that is. Then decide if you would want to live your own life, flying on your own vibrant wings. Some people are so wounded that they don't want to. If you would like to, start by taking on your own responsibilities, step by step, until you feel ready to be out on your own. Freedom to fly how you want to is wonderful!

Autonomy will be an important step in the process. You must be able to rely on yourself, and not go running to others to help you out at every step. Granted, there are always some people who for whatever reasons, need help, and they should be afforded it, if they truly need it. Most of us can tell the difference. Sometimes the baby bird just needs a little push.

Once we leave our families and strike out on our own, we can become who we want to be. The satisfaction of living your true self, and serving your purpose here on Earth, is worth the fear and anxiety of leaving the nest.

Until next time!

Love, Angelia

Controlling Our Own Lives

2011-09-27T13:45:00.001-07:00

In late adolescence, (16-21), we need control over our own lives.

Our parents may not agree with that, but it's important to our development to start taking control of our own lives. If we aren't allowed to, or choose not to, that will lead to problems later on.

First of all, I believe that all people who are able to, should drive. We live in a big country, and unless you choose to not drive for the betterment of the environment, it's really convenient to know how to drive.

If you're stranded in a hostile environment, and are presented with a gift from God in the form of a getaway Jeep, wouldn't it be nice to know how to drive it? Or the alternative may be to be abused or possibly killed by hostiles and left in a bad situation far from home. An extreme example, but a friend of mine found themselves in such a situation while serving in the military. Sometimes, we do face survival situations.

What type of person are you? Do you like art? Are you any good at making it? If so, maybe you should be pursing education or experience in the field. One good resource that people overlook is the phone book. In it you will find all kinds of business' from A to Z. Picking up the phone and telling the person who answers that you are a student looking into _______, may lead you to your first or next career option.

Life at this stage can seem a little magical. You're not a kid anymore, but not quite an adult. You may feel a little crazy with all of the preparation for "the real world". You may be burning brightly or hiding yourself inside of yourself. The doors of time are going to open, whether you're ready for the next developmental stage or not. You may hope that your name is around for a thousand years! Or you may just want the Earth to swallow you up. Everyone is different.

Becoming who you are meant to be, takes time and the effort we call life. In order to live the life that is uniquely yours, you must take control of it. Only you can know what the life of your dreams looks like. In my class "Living Your Own Life", I teach my students how to do this. Some of us just get lost along the way. Maybe we were held captive, and not allowed to make our own choices in late adolescence. Maybe we weren't ready for this stage, and chose to let others still make decisions for us. No matter which was our experience, the need to control your own life is an important step in our development.

Until next time!

Angelia

A New Type Of Meditation

2011-06-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

You arrive at a large, pleasant Spiritual Center. The large common room has chairs and yoga mats in a circle in the center. As you look around, you see Native American, African, Buddhist and other cultural decor.

There is a check-in foyer area where a $10.00 donation is collected for the event.

The director has an office as you walk in to the common area. There is a library, storage area, and a kids' room. A gift shop offers multi-cultural items. There are restrooms and a kitchenette down the hall.

You have just entered the Rainbow Spiritual Education Center.

This is a one of a kind place, with one of a kind events. You can see their website at www.rainbowspiritualeducationcenter.org.

As a multi-ethnic myself, sometimes it's hard to find a place that accepts and celebrates all parts of my heritage. This is one of those places.

I sell some of my jewelry and art in their gift shop, which is open during their events.

I also lead my Hot Stone Meditation there on the third Tuesdays of the month.

I have been asked, "What is Hot Stone Meditation?". So, here goes:

Most of you may know about Hot Stone Massage. I learned it from a friend of mine, who's a massage therapist. I was fascinated by the stone's ability to hold and release heat slowly. I remember seeing some Shoalin monks using hot stones for tests of endurance. I researched that a bit, but had no desire to burn myself or anyone else. I bought my own set of stones and a "how to" book. I started out giving family and a few friends the hot stone treatment. I couldn't give myself the treatment, but one day, while meditating, my mind wandering again, I thought about those little black stones that came in the set. They were used for putting between the toes or fingers. I got a few out, popped them in the microwave, and then went back to meditation with them in my palms. It worked like a charm! With the warm, smooth stones in my hand, my mind stayed so focused on them, I sat nearly a full 30 minutes before my mind wandered again. I told a friend of mine who was the massage therapist. She tried it, and suggested that I start doing it as a group meditation at the Germantown Healing House, where I was working at the time. It took off, but unfortunately, the Healing House closed due to the economy. Nearly two years later, I found another place interested in this form of meditation. So, I offer it there.

The experience is unique. As all of the participants are seated in chairs, or lotus style, I come in with a container of heated stones in water. I explain to the participants that hot stones have been used for over 5,000 years in healing rituals. Egypt, China and Greece used them just to name a few. Then, I ask them to come pick two stones to hold in their palms. Some people are choosey, some just pick the top two. All of the stones are basalt lava stones at a rather warm temperature. As the participants are reseated, I ask them if they can feel the stones radiating their heat. They all can of course. We dim the lights, and I start the music. The music is especially picked to complement the "script" of the meditation and is put on about the loudness of my voice. I give them a minute to relax. Then I start the meditative suggestions. Each minute brings a new suggestion designed to recharge, or relax a mind, body, spirit point. There are spiritual, psychological and physical suggestions, so it becomes a form of self-hypnosis as the music rises and falls with my suggestion, and if you are truly in the meditative state, it's magical. I feel so much better myself after the hour is over! Interestingly, about half way through, the stones start to cool, and give off a cool calming feeling, so it's like starting out walking on the hot sand, then into the cool ocean.

If you are interested in experiencing this for yourself, the next one is June 21st, 2011 at 7:00 pm. You can see the above website for more information.

I haven't been able to find anyone else who is doing anything like this, so I guess that I've invented a new type of meditation. It's part meditation, part self-hypnosis, and part affirmations, and I enjoy every minute of it! The stones are a true gift from Mother Earth, and really are a help to me, and maybe others, who haven't been able to meditate without worrying about the other thousand things they have to do today.

Until next time!

Love, Angelia

Peer Pressure of a Different Kind

2011-04-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

Some survivors of abuse prefer to keep people at arm's length. After all, letting people get close, may have gotten you hurt in the past.

Our peers aren't all out to hurt us. Some people really don't quite believe that, and I can understand why.

When someone takes an interest in us, it's exciting or scary. We might wonder why they're interested in us. What are their intentions? What do they hope to gain by getting to know us? And, a multitude of other questions like this can come up.

I have been hurt many times by people, by letting them into my life. There were family members who didn't understand me, or even try to. They just judged me, insulted me, and belittled me. There were the "mean girls" in school who insisted that if I wasn't wearing what they were or "in to" what they were, that I was a loser. But, then when I did become "popular", there were girls and guys who said that I was a slut, ugly, dumb for hanging out with so and so, and on and on.

And that could have led me to be a loner, but I didn't let it. Basically, I love people. Some have called me dumb for that, but it's part of who I am.

Even in my adult life, there have been nasty people who have come into my life, only to insult me, hurt me, lie to me, take advantage of me, break my heart, and just plain confuse the heck out of me with their actions!

But, I choose to look at the converse of that. I did have some family who was always there for me, and encouraged me that being me was good enough. I have family that I talk to every day, still. I had friends in school that were always there for me. I still have a few friends from back then. I have new friends who have proved themselves good to me. I have cyber friends whose cheery emails and posts brighten my day, because they always come from a positive, loving place. (their hearts)

So, I believe, that if we look at things through the dark tinted glasses of fear and distrust, we will always see the negative. Nor, should we look at everything with rose colored glasses, pretending that everything is perfect and fine, if it's not. We should strive to see clearly, with no coloring perceptions, no distortions from echoes of the past. Just see what is, then decide if it's good, bad, for you, or not for you.

If we allow our peers to get close enough to make a fair judgement, we may find that they're not as bad as we feared. Of course, there are always going to be people in the world who are going to do unto others before they do unto them, but don't let that ruin your chances of friendship, or even love.

If you can find a balance in yourself, where you are able to allow people into your life, give them the benefit of the doubt, and befriend them, then you can also find a place where you can tell people when they are making you unhappy, and give them a chance to fix it, if they're willing to. If they are not willing to, then you can have the strength to tell them that you are sorry that they feel that way, and let them go their way, and you go yours. That will take practice, of course, and mindfulness of who you are, and what you want in your life, and what you don't.

If you don't feel that way, you can make a list of all of the things that you like, all aspects of your self, spirit, mind and body, then list all of the things that you don't like. By doing that you will start to "see" what you would like in your life, and what you'd prefer to avoid.

We can let others in, and not let them be our lives, but be a part of our lives. All things are transient, and so relationships can be, too. But, a balanced level of investment in our peers can lead us into marvelous friendships or even love.

Think about it!

Love, Angelia

Survivors who need a push?

2011-02-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

Survivors of abuse are at increased risk for many things.

We are at increased risk for depression, fatalistic attitudes, nervous or psychotic breakdowns, social phobias and "lone-wolf" ways of thinking.

Sometimes we hide from the world, while at other times, we may put ourselves in harm's way, to "prove we're not afraid of anyone or anything". (When really, we know that we are.) Sometimes we're terrified that the abuse or assault will happen again, and go to drastic means to keep that from happening.

There are women in convents that I know of, who went there to feel protected. If we watch the news at all, we see that even nuns are sometimes assaulted. No where is truly safe 100% of the time.

Some people hide in their homes and only have the slightest, superficial relationships with others to keep themselves safe from physical or emotional hurts. I have tried to help some of these women, with only one of them quitting when the going got tough, and not finishing the "Personal Harmony" program that I teach women survivors. She also has a couple of mental disorders that add to her problems, and I guess trying to admit her own problems and not break down from the anxiety, was too much to ask of her frazzled brain. She's under another person's care, and a doctors, and she has talked to me about it, but she doesn't want to continue any more deep emotional work. What she really wants is for someone to wave a magic wand, and all of her problems go away, but that's not going to happen is it? Most people can and do, do the mental work it takes to find a place of peace and harmony with themselves and what has happened to them.

Most people do look for, and find help, but not all. The mental health care system is full of people trying to use pills to fix what only self-examination and self-understanding, and healing time can fix. Chemical depression can be helped with pills, but not the inner wound hurts. They have to be purged like the poison that they are, or they just keep coming up to haunt us.

Some people have just accepted the role of "victim", and that's all they'll see through their dark colored glasses. Everyone is out to get them somehow, and everything goes against them in life. That's not even logically possible, much less probability possible. Until they can open up and accept help, they will never get any better.

Some people live in their own little corner of the world, and may turn into the "old cat lady", that people like to joke about. Their fear outweighs their lonliness, and human friends are just too risky!

"Rebel Without A Cause"? Rarely. Most "outcasts" have a reason for feeling like one, and a good percentage of the time, some psychological, emotional, verbal, or physical abuse is at the root of such ways of thinking and behaviors. No one can fix these "lone wolves", a million + women and men have tried. Only they can decide that this is a problem in their lives, and sadly, most of them won't. They enjoy their distance, it keeps them safe. But, on the occasions when they do, they can go back, revisit then heal what led them to this antisocial way of life, and can enrich their lives and those of the people whose lives they touch. Trust me, I know. "OOOWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Just a howl-out to those kindred souls who might need a push!

Until next time!

Love, Angelia

New News Is Good News!

2010-11-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hi, all! I know some of my family, friends, others that I know check this occassionally, even though you're not "following" me! I have been contracted to be an Associate at Enrich Counseling Center here in Louisville. I will be offering my Life-Coaching and Behavior Consulting services there. Right now we have on tap: Survivors of Abuse Support Group-which starts Monday, November 29th, 2010 at 7 pm. Survivors of Sexual Assault and Molestation Support Group-which starts Monday, December 6th, 2010 at 7 pm. Then I'll be teaching my program: Child Development & Psychology-starting Saturday, December 4th at 3 pm. You will need to call Enrich Counseling Center at 502-403-1090, to register for class, or online at enrichcounselingcenter@gmail.com. I am offering individualized coaching sessions there for $25.00 per hour or sliding scale with proof of income. Group sessions can be arranged. Workshops/classes can be taken here, or scheduled at your desired location. Please schedule at least two weeks in advance. Groups over five are discounted to $10.00 per hour, per person. My coaching programs include the above-mentioned class, and Teen Pregnancy, Getting Along With Others Who Are Different From Us, Human "Realations" & Social Sensitivity, Living Your Own Life, Defeating Dark Influences In Your Life, Perfect Sleep, Personal Harmony, Zen-Experiences & Awareness, Parenting Skills, Starting Over For Women (which I'm teaching through JCPS Lifelong Learning right now!) and Finding A Blessed Life. You can see more details on my site at www.worksofheart.bravehost.com. I will still be offering my ministerial services, just not at Enrich. That's the update!
Love, Angelia

Teen Sexuality

2010-09-29T18:07:00.001-07:00

In middle adolescence, around the ages of 14-16, thoughts turn to sexuality. When we're little kids, we just dream of getting married and kissing and hugging, and that's all that we really know about physical love. During our preteen stage, we start to have feelings about the opposite sex, but are still in our same-sex stage, where the majority of our time and interest is spent on members of our same sex. We may even have fantasies about same-sex friends, which is normal. By the age of fourteen, we are usually forming a knowledge of who we are sexually. Innocent thoughts of hugs and kisses start to turn to curiousity of what members of the opposite sex, same sex, or both, look like in the nude, and what we might do, if we saw them in that state. Sexual fantasies start to rule our dreams as our bodies are flooded with hormones. This is the time when it is important to tell our children what type of sexual behaviors we expect, and don't expect them to engage in. We need to tell them we understand their feelings, have had such feelings, and even if they don't seem to be listening, they are. Ignorance abounds in the schools, and they will hear many things about sexuality, and it's important that they feel that they can talk to their parents to clear up any misconceptions that peers may have led them to. Such as the old tale that you can not get pregnant your "first time". I know a woman who did. I won't even go into the one about the rubber bands! With society's glorification of sex and their peer's pressure to engage in such activities, it's definately important for our children to know that they can talk to us about such matters. It may be uncomfortable, but it's better that they get such knowledge from you, than their peers, who may not know as much as they think that they do! There are many books that have been written on the subject of talking to your kids about sexuality, you can visit your library, google the subject, or talk to your home and school resources person to find materials to help get you ready to broach that uncomfortable subject. Wouldn't you rather they hear it from you the right way?!

http://support.pcrm.org/pcrm_online_0610

2010-06-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

http://support.pcrm.org/pcrm_online_0610

Understanding Development

2010-05-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, my expertise is in child development. The way that we developed in childhood effects us in every aspect of our lives. Our outcome is a reflection of the balance, or lack thereof, that we found growing up in our world. With our first relationship, our mother, every other relationship grows outward like the eternal spiral. If we were protected, we feel safe. If we were, or felt that we were, at risk, then we feel afraid.

I work with new mothers, and teen mothers, to help prevent those first two all important relationships, that with mom and dad, from derailing all of the future ones for that child. I have talked with families about negative dynamics in them. All friendships, co-workers, neighbors, any one they know, are effected by the first relationships that we experience.

We are a product of our biology, but we are also a product of our psychology, and sociology. If we had loving, compassionate, effective caregivers, then most likely, we will be the same. If we didn't, we may need to do a little homework to learn how to give our child the best outcome. When we know how children develop, it helps us to understand them better, have more patience with them, and be able to see things from their point of view. We are continuously developing. (Unless of course, we choose not to.)

My Career Diploma in Child Psychology & Development took 18 months of my life to earn. The benefits that it has given me, are timeless. It helped me to see why I had developed some of the past behaviors that I have shed. I did not feel safe, or like my life was balanced growing up. I never knew what would happen next, and was often on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was very shy and fearful. That is why I have done my best to make my children feel safe and loved, and I love doing that for other mothers and children. Some older family members I've tried to work with in these cases have not been cooperative. They still hold old world values that put children in a light that is little better than that of the family dog. They still do not realize how negative experiences stunt a child's growth and development. Just because your parents may have beaten you, as much information is out there today, you should know, that beating your children is wrong. If you don't believe that then you need to go see a counselor. They can explain to you how abuse can actually effect the development of the child's brain. If we are to stop de-evolving as a society here in America, we need to re-learn what society is all about and how to love and have compassion for each other. Other nations are not having near the problems with depression and mental illness that we are, and upon examination, we can see that their societal setups are more friendly, open, and caring. Especially in middle and poverty class areas, abuse and neglect is rampant here in the U.S. I was recently told that our area is once again, #1 for domestic violence. A psychologist friend of mine told me once that, "There are no bad kids, just bad parents, you get out of a kid what you put into them." We can and should do our best to be understanding of children's limitations and differences. Alot less people would be paying me and my other counseling, psychologist, psychiatrist, and coaching friends, if that were the case, and it would make us happy in that case, to have to find another line of work!

Think about it!
Angelia

2010-04-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hi, all! I have new content, links, pic.s and a web journal posting entitled, "Teenage Moms", on my site at www.worksofheart.bravehost.com. Take a look if you're interested! Thanks for your time!
Ange

Update

2010-04-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hello! I just wanted to let you know that I have updated my profile at www.community.beliefnet.com/angeliavenus. Feel free to join the community, check out my page, and join my group, Survivors Reaching Out. I have added a blog on that group entitled, "Serious Commitments", and one on my public page entitled, "You and Everyone Else". Check them out if you're interested! Thanks for your time!
Angelia

Teenage Wasteland

2010-04-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Some of us did not have great teen years. Some of our family's were not a supportive, positive place to be. Some of our communities were dangerous and a bad place to be. Some of us did not develop appropriately due to these things. Maybe there were no counselors who used child-specific services. Maybe no one pointed out our strengths to us, so we couldn't possibly build on them. Maybe we saw no strengths in being with our family. Maybe our mental health suffered. Maybe we were socially withdrawn. Maybe we were physically withdrawn.

So much focus is put on our families. What if we found no support system in our family? What if our family had no desire to participate in our life? What if our parents were not partners in our development, but harsh judges? What if decision making for the family was basically a dictatorship? What if our parents knew that we had need of treatment, but didn't seek it out due to their own embarrassment? Can we make plans now, if in that crucial time of adolescence we were denied the right to make any plans for ourselves? Do we know how to even implement a life plan? Can we monitor our own behavior? Have we sought out help now that we are adults? Our biological families are rarely perfect. Our adoptive families aren't either. Our other parental figures may not have been either. Our brothers and sisters sure weren't! Our grandparents may have been doting, or entrenched in another time and unable to see things from our points of view. Most of us had some supportive relatives. In a family, there is almost always someone like yourself. We had teachers, some cared, some didn't. Teenagers know when their mental health is slipping. They will most assuredly let you know in a number of different ways! State services are full of our young people. What they need is a family member who cares.

Our communitites have started trying harder to address young people's problems. Formal steps have been taken to get our kids the help that they need. Many communities have programs for troubled teens. What these kids need is a sense of belonging. A sense of being a participant in their own lives. Community service is often used for this purpose. Mental health professionals have said to me, "There are no bad kids, only bad parents.", and to a certain extent, that's true. Some parents are unable to be there, and that stresses the remaining family so that they may not know how to approach, or have the emotional strength to even deal with their child's problems. Provider agencies see this every day. Social services are full of such cases. Religious organizations have outreaches for teens. Cultural centers do, too. Communities have events and networks dedicated to our young adults.

If your teens were not the best, if you felt alone in your own home with your family around you, if you were bullied or worse, you may still be stuck in that stage of development. If you have not gotten any help, and have been trying to go it alone, stop. If you have made it this far in life, you are strong. If you had no role models to look up to, you can find some now. People know when they have suffered trauma to their psyche. People know when they are socially inept. People know when they are scared of others, for fear that they will be hurt again. We can fix the damage. We can understand and forgive our families, schoolmates, and anyone else who abused us. We can move on and negotiate a lost stage in our lives. Reach out. You are a strong soul. There are people who want to help you. You know who you are. My hand is outstretched.

Until next time!
Angelia

To Graduate, or Not to Graduate?

2010-03-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

Let's look at high school completion rates. The United States and the District of Columbia took a poll to see what percentage of 18 to 24 year olds in their areas have a high school diploma. This was matched with the previous poll to yield these results.

10 states in our union did better, and had an increase of young adults with high school diplomas. 37 of our states had no change in the number of young adults with high school diplomas. 4 states actually did worse, and had a smaller number of young adults with high school diplomas.

I have heard so many people in my area that are willing to let their kids drop out if the kid has a chance at a steady job, such as construction or retail that they feel their child will benefit from now rather than waiting another year or two to get a diploma before they start to work full time. I blame the economy for this type of thinking. People rarely stay where they start. This kind of thinking can lead to disillusionment if this job doesn't hold out, then they have no high school diploma to get another type of job. They miss graduating with their friends and having similar experiences to their same age peers. In their teens, two years DOES make a big difference! The maturity level between 16 and 18 is observable.

This would seem to me more of a top priority, than to push through healthcare reform that sounds like it would once again, create hardship for the poverty level Americans. Jobs are hard to find around here. My oldest son got beat out at a job at Wendy's by a man who I'd say was 60 if he was a day, and had lost his other job. Where are young people supposed to find a stable job without an education these days?! You can guess that the states that did better are up in the North and East. Progression seems to travel North to South and East to West in this country. The states that did worse, yea, you guessed it, in the South and Mid-West. Panic has driven young adults to jump on the first steady job they land and not finish school. Parents having job problems themselves have a hard time telling their kids to finish school. Sometimes they even need their children's income to help run the household. But, people rarely do stay where they start. I read that the average person changes jobs about 4 times. So that steady job of today, can be gone tomorrow. Experience does count in some jobs, but alot of employers want to see that high school diploma to feel confident that the job candidate can read and write well enough to perform their job duties. High school is a rite of passage. That's what the graduation ceremony is all about. You leave your life as a child behind, and become a young adult. I heard a woman who dropped out and got married and started having kids at 17 say, " Once I moved in with him, and we started having kids, it was all a blur. I still felt like a kid sometimes. His mom was great, and I'd call her for advice and if it wasn't for her, I'd have probably killed myself. I was a kid with four kids by the time I was 21. There was no graduation, prom, college, even going out to bars with friends, because I was a wife and mother. I felt old by the time I was 21."
This person had reasons why they left home and got married, and why her own mother let her do so. But, she still had a really hard time of it, and had major bouts of depression, a few of which landed her in the hospital. I can't swear that had she graduated and had a good counselor who had gotten her into business school when she was 18, instead of her finally doing that for herself when she was 33, that things would have been different for her, but I honestly think that they would have. I have heard too many stories of people who have struggled so much by trying to be "on their own" too early, and have had to endure hardships and failures, that maybe, if they had been better prepared for adult society, they wouldn't have experienced. Parents, think twice about allowing your working child to drop out. They do miss out. Teens, go with the natural flow of things, and get that diploma. It will pay off in the end.

Until next blog!

Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Making Decisions, Solving Problems

2010-01-26T15:38:00.000-08:00

To solve any problem that we may have, we have to be able to see it as a problem. Usually, that's not until it smacks us in the face, or pocketbook, or however the impact shows up. Then, we have to start weighing the alternatives. It's best to get a sheet of paper, and actually write things down. It makes problems more tangible somehow, and solutions more solid, too. Write every idea that comes to mind down, no matter how silly it seems to you. Ask a trusted friend to make suggestions, too, so you can get a fresh perspective on things. It's o.k. to get a little silly, as long as you're seriously thinking about how to solve the problem. Keep on writing until you can't think of anything more to put down. Then go down the list of ideas.

Evaluate each idea. Decide which ones would support you best. Ask yourself what you would do for someone else if this were someone else's problem. Don't beat yourself up if you are having trouble. Sometimes we're just too emotionally involved in the problem at first to see clearly.

Run each solution through the self-love litmus test. Is this unkind to anyone, including myself? Is this hurtful to anyone involved? Is this unfair to anyone involved? Is this dishonest to anyone involved? Remember to include yourself in those answers. Ultimately, we can not please everyone, so it's important to take care of yourself first. If you're a wreck, you won't be there for anyone else.

Then choose your option that is the best for everyone involved, including yourself. Remember in solving a problem, you don't want to create more problems.

Write out your plan of action, then follow it through. Inaction only prolongs problems and creates hard feelings, stress, and possibly illness. If your choice is unacceptable to the other people involved, then you may go back to your list and look for a compromise with them, but unfortunately, not everyone is willing to compromise. If you find yourself in a situation that is causing you emotional, psychological or physical pain, and the others involved are unwilling to compromise with you to come to a solution, then your only option may be to say your peace, bow out, and move on.

Weigh things out. How does this effect your long term goals, needs, etc? Look at yourself. What started this problem? Is there anything that you can do to prevent such problems in the future? What do I need to work on in my "getting along" tool box? We can feel good when we successfully solve a problem, and we can take ownership of our part of the situation when we can't. Don't let other's problems become yours.

In making any decision, we must be informed, so do your homework about the underlying problem. Problem solving is a vital skill for life, since no one's life will be free from problems.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

The Formal Operations Stage

2010-01-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

In the stage of formal operations, adolescents develop the ability to deal with abstract information and theoretical propositions. They can formulate and test hypotheses in a scientific manner.
They can use combinational logic, which is the ability to find all the possible alternatives; ie., when asked what the president could have done in a certain situation, a teenager will produce a great many alternatives, some real, some impractical. If given five jars of clear liquid and told that some combination will yield a yellow liquid, an adolescent will use an efficient and effective strategy that will produce all possible alternatives.
They can separate the real from the possible, which is the ability to separate oneself from the real world and consider different possibilities. The ability to accept propositions that are contrary to reality; ie., a teenager can imagine other realities, other life styles and think about what could be rather than what is. A teenager can readily discuss propositions such as, "What if all humans were green?"
They can use abstractions, which is the ability to deal with material that is not observable; ie., and adolescent understands higher-level concepts such as democracy and liberty as well as the abstract meaning in proverbs.
They can use hypothetical deductive reasoning, which is the ability to form hypotheses and use scientific logic; ie., a teenager uses deductive logic to test a hypothesis.
Alot goes on in our cocoon of adolescence!
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia

General Preventions

2009-11-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

I just learned that a friend's child was attacked on Halloween. This made me so upset! I have heard adults say unsavory things about children during Trick or Treat, and would never allow my children to go without an adult. In general we should teach school-aged children to keep their parents or guardians informed of where they are going to be, and who they'll be with, and what they'll be doing. At first you may get some resistance with this approach, but if they wish to go out, they'll soon enough get on board! Remind them that after all, your job is to raise them, and protecting them is part of that job.

Alot of parents tell me that they are just too stressed out to be that attentive. That's just a cop out. More accidents and crimes against children happen when parents are inattentive and not spending time with their children. Wouldn't any parent take precautions if they KNEW that they would stop an accident or attack? Of course you would! So, I suggest that you do act like you know that being involved will stop an incident. Don't go overboard and become paranoid, though. We all need some breathing room, especially teenagers. But being involved and knowing where your child is, who they are with, and what they are doing can help you find them in an emergency, know who the bad influences may be, know whose parents you need to talk to, and what your child likes or dislikes. It is not unreasonable to know what's going on in your own child's life when they are out of your sight, despite what they may tell you.

If your child is very active, and you can't possibly attend all of their events, games, etc. see if there is a grandparent, uncle, aunt or friend who can be there for them. Then be sure to ask them how it went. If your child is adventuresome and is prone to going a little too far to satisfy their curiousity, then set up weekly times for library, museum, game or movie dates to keep their curiousity busy. Impulsive children must be monitered closely. Invite friends to come to your home where they can be supervised, or be honest with the friends' parents about your child's problems such as ADHD, which may cause your child to do impulsive things. Disabled children are more vulnerable to accidents than others.

Raising your child is your job. They are wonderful, vulnerable little people who should be protected and not left to the cold streets for an upbringing. All of the studies done on the subject, show how important it is for adults to be involved in a child's life. Being involved is not being nosy. Your child needs to learn that. Your job is to protect them from things that they are not savy enough to protect themselves from yet. I don't care how busy your life is, you need to be involved! It makes all of the difference. If you can't be there yourself, make sure a trusted adult is their to supervise and guide them. Always ask how their day at school, practice, outings, went. Then LISTEN. A "wild child" who is always "on", will only grow worse if turned out at daybreak and called in at sunset. Be honest with yourself enough to not believe that your unsupervised children are safe and not getting into trouble. It only takes a second for a bad decision to become a tragedy.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Extending Groups

2009-10-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Did you go to a traditional school, public, or private school? Does it make a difference? The statistics say yes, it does! Students who were enrolled in extended year programs found in some private and public schools were found to have scores that were higher on average in Math by 6 points, in Reading higher by 4 points and in General Knowledge, by 8 points!

Children learn by what they see, and by how well their imagination is stimulated to help them form creative thinking that leads to problem solving. They can think better when their environment is consistantly giving them learning experiences and chances to put what they've learned into practice.

Children learn not in a straight line, but more like a web, where they start in the middle and make connections as they move out. They learn that some things change and some things stay the same.

Even if you did not recieve a stellar education you can go back and learn things for yourself to expand your knowledge where you want to. Even if your home, neighborhood and cultural environment did not lead to you finding and reaching goals, it's never too late to go back and pinpoint your childhood dreams, set a goal and work towards it. You can teach your own children, as every interaction that you have with them can be an opportunity to expand their knowledge and critical thinking. We all have the ability to expand our horizons. We just have to take that first step and do it.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

Explaining

2009-10-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Children often need explanations for things, and we as adults are no different. We all have questions. Children have ALOT of questions! Questions about things that happened in school and every other aspect of their lives! Questions about going places seem to be a big one for them. "How long will we be there?" "What will we do there?", etc. Answering these questions honestly is always the best policy. It reassures them, and keeps you from having to hear the same question over and over again. Children who are prepared for what's likely going to happen are less anxious, and that goes for us adults, too! Our days are full of unknowns so it's nice to get an explanation when we can!

As children we worry that visits will be boring and unpleasant even. Kindergarten is a major stressor if children have no idea of what to expect. Our lives all have certain areas where we know most likely what's going to happen, and then there are gray areas where we hope for the best. Each day, though scheduled with familiar tasks and activities, is a new and different one. Each class in school is an opportunity for learning, and we know that explanations of what's expected of us will be given. The same goes true for job duties. If you haven't read the poem, "Everything That I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten" it's a really good one, and you should look it up! It's all about simple explanations for how to live your life. Life has lots of teachers for us with varying explanations about everything. Spring gives us a new outlook every year, even though, every year, it comes. Our life is our ultimate classroom and it's our job to look for the explanations that matter to us.

Routine helps us feel secure and gives us an explanation of what's expected of us that day. Our homes can be much more organized by routine. Giving children a routine helps them learn time management, and also helps them feel more secure. Schools use routine to get the most out of student's time there, and to ease transitions from one subject to the next. Time management helps us all know when it's time to do a certain thing, and when to move on to the next thing. We eat breakfast in the morning, dinner in the evening etc. Routine can become boring it it's not fulfilling us in some way, but it also can make us feel secure that everything is fine. Children especially thrive in routine. Scheduling household chores etc. can let you find time to squeeze it all in. We learn from the routine. We all need to feel secure. If we learn from the explanations we find, and organize our lives into a routine, even though it may need to be a flexible one, we can make the most of the time we have here.

We don't get an explanation for everything in our lives. We don't know exactly what's going to happen all of the time. If we explain everything we can to our children, they have less stress, and a bigger knowledge base. If we learn all we can about a situation, or place, or person, instead of just diving in head first, we will have a reasonable explanation of what to expect from them.

Be your best butterfly!

Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
amsc363@cs.com

Understanding and Empathy

2009-10-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

We should always be there for our children. They have fears just like we do. They have concerns just like we do. They have problems just like we do. They each have a unique point of view, just like we do. We should take all of these things seriously, and help our children to deal with them. Parents are the first line of defense for upsetting situations in life. If we teach them how to deal with them when they are young, then they will be more able to do so for themselves when they are older. Teaching THEM how to do it is important, because if YOU solve all of their problems for them, then they will only learn how to be dependant on you to solve life's problems for them. Problems are going to happen. Each child is different, and therefore reacts to things differently, so what may have not been a problem for one child, can be a big one for another. We all have our own "issues", and knowing what your child's are can help you know when you should step in for a life 101 lesson, and when to let them brainstorm for themselves. Embarrassment can be a big problem for kids. They aren't ready yet to let words go and they internalize each mean or embarrassing thing said and done to them. When they come to you with incidences that cause them embarrassment it's important for you as the parent to help build their self esteem back up and remind them that some kids can be mean, and that they are a wonderful, unique individual to not let others define them for their percieved short comings, whether they actually are a problem or not. That will help them navigate our emotional minefields later in life. A child's issues are as important as an adults. Especially to them. Being "just a kid" doesn't make things hurt any less, but actually more, because they are emotionally immature and can't deal with upsets as easily as an adult can. Anything important enough for someone to be upset about, is important. If we use our understanding to help them see things from a bigger perspective, that will help show them that, someday, they will be as able to think things out as you can, and will give them confidence that they will be o.k. in the adult world, not left behind by the mean perceptions that others are spouting at them now. Children's perspective you must understand is alot more big, scary and powerful. If you can remember how it felt to be little and everything was so big and you didn't understand alot of things and you felt powerless, then you can empathize with your children and help them cope with their fears and feelings of inadequacy. We should all show concern for a child's problem so that they know that they are important to us. Remembering how you felt as a child, and having knowledge of who your child is and how they think will help you be able to help them come up with strategies for dealing with their problems in a constructive manner which will build their self esteem, confidence and a positive outlook on life.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

It All Starts At Home

2009-09-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

If children know what to expect, they will usually behave appropriately. We can teach them to take turns, talk in their "indoor voices" where they're expected to, and common sense things like this. If you are feeling nervous about taking your children out, they feel this too, and will act out. Children love praise, and any comment on good behavior will reinforce it, unless someone else comes along and derails that self-esteem builder.

Kids have anxieties, too. Leaving home is an anxiety builder. What is going to happen? Will I like it, or will it be horrible? Starting school is a major anxiety for some children. Socializing with other children can be a source of anxiety. Having friends and fitting in can cause anxiety. Self-consciousness about percieved weaknesses can cause anxiety. Peer pressure. Feeling bullied or unsafe. Even not doing well academically can cause stress.

Parents are the first source of stability, or instability, in the life of a child. Check your own behavior before dealing with your child's. Some children are born more anxious than others. I know this first hand because my middle child has Asperger's. He chews his clothes, nails and anything else handy. He can't handle any upset without "freaking out" as my other children call it. Children are very sensitive to their parent's anxieties. If I express any anxiety while my middle one's around, the worry fest starts! If a child senses fear in a parent, this increases their own fear. Parents who are anxious about their child going off to school, may cause undue anxiety in their child. Pressure to succeed academically from parents can cause a child stress. Pressure to perform in sports can cause a child stress. The child's own motivation, confidence and enjoyment should always come first. Forcing a child to do anything does not build character. It builds an anxious, stressed out child.

Pay attention to your child and notice what causes them anxiety. You can not help them with a problem that you do not see. If your child doesn't want to go to school when they feel well, ask why. Sometimes it is necessary to talk to other children's parents about situations, and then we must show maturity, tact, and sensitivity to be a good example for our own child.

Help the child create solutions to their problems. If you can help the child brainstorm, then choose logical solutions to their problems, they will feel more confident that they CAN master their life. It also teaches children problem solving and logical thinking.

Precocious children are their own special breed. They get bored easy. Advanced classes can help keep their minds occupied. These children may act out in school if the work is so easy that they finish before their peers and aren't given anything to do while waiting for the others to catch up. Children who are cognitively ahead of their peers realize this and may make comments that seem snide to others, but it is really frustration that others can not keep up with them that drives this kind of behavior. Emotional maturity can also be a frustration to these children. They may not understand why their peers think the way that they do, and therefore reject them as cold, or mean. If a teacher or parent realizes that a child is way ahead of the class, they should take steps to keep this child interested in school by advanced classes, enrichment by parents after school, or any program that can keep the child's attention and imagination. By the same example, if a child is found to be way behind the others, steps should be taken to get the child help through ECE services to have any learning disabilities identified, and therefore strategies to keep this child up with their peers can be implemented.

Find out what your child is interested in. Encourage them to follow their dreams. Don't push them, but allow them to develop at their own pace.

Keep your child's life as balanced as possible. Children grow through experiences. In a family, you can take turns doing activities that each person likes, on different evenings. Children will learn what they like, what they don't and tolerance for differences in people.

Keep your child motivated. Advanced children especially will lose interest in anything that can't keep their attention. Have enrichment activities at home. You can set aside an hour a day for this. There are so many educational outlets that parents have access to, you can pick and choose what your child is interested in and even keep them involved in the process of learning what interests them.

New kids. New kids worry about fitting in. Do they have the right clothes? Will I have someone to sit with at lunch? New kids can go into worry mode fast. Even though we know school is primarily an environment for learning, we all also know that it is also our major social environment for at least twelve years! It is the strongest source of peer pressure and cyclical popular culture. We all are initiated in some way into it's "Lord of the Flies" mentality whether we want to be or not. It is the second biggest influence in our lives. It is a culture.

If you weren't motivated in school, it's never to late to go back and pursue your interests. What kept your attention in school? You don't have to go back to college, unless you want to. There is so much information out there now through books, internet and courses that you can be an expert in your chosen field to the degree that you want to. What was your motivation to "be" when you grew up? You can take steps to do that now if you never had the chance before.

Change is scary. We see sixty year olds on college campus' now pursuing advanced degrees. They aren't worried about fitting in, they're worried about being who they know that they were meant to be. If we lost our environment, we can go back and find it. We don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks, because it is our life after all, not theirs. Don't let naysayers rob you of your dreams. If your school experience was not a good one, just remember that those kids are grown and gone now, and have no influence in your life now, unless you give it to them. Don't let the mean kids rob you of who you are meant to be.

Until next blog! I recommend www.nospank.net

Love, Angelia

Our Own Personal Ecology

2009-08-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

We are who we are because of how, where, when and why we developed in all of the ways that we did, or didn't. You can't pick and choose your traits until you understand why you have them. Every experience that you have ever had has had a hand in shaping who you are today. Things change and how we are able or unable to cope with that change helps shape our relationships with others.

Our values and strengths were taught to us in the beginning. Later on we can choose the values that suit us best, and discover which of our strengths we want to spend time using. The society we grow up in can effect our choices and our expectations. How milestones in our lives are looked upon by our society can be sources of pride, or shame if we do not meet them, "on time".

Criticism is the number one destroyer of our self-esteem. Our percieved weaknesses is the runner up. There are so many ways that people can criticize us. That's why sometimes we need to go back in time mentally and examine how things said or done to us effect us in the here and now. If we can understand how something effected us then, we can carry that forward and see how it is effecting our lives in the here and now.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/inspiration-createreality
www.brightfuse.com/angelia-schwarz-coleman
www.community.beliefnet.com/angeliavenus

Your Ecology and How It Effects You

2009-08-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have studied child or basic psychology you know what a microsystem is. For those of you who haven't, it's the relationship between a child and it's immediate environment. The mesosystem is the interrelationship of settings in the child's immediate environment. The exosystem is the social settings that effect the child but do not directly involve them. The macrosystem refers to the attitudes, morals, beliefs and ideals of the culture that the child is raised in.

When a child comes into the world, it's first relationship is with it's mother. If this relationship is not a good one, well unfortunately, that child is off to a sad start. Then the father comes into play, if he is in the house, or involved at all in the child's life. Unfortunately, too many fathers are not there for their children. All of the research on the subject that I have read say that a good father makes a difference for both sexes of children. In this early little microsystem, abuse has it's worst and most prolonged effects. I have known mothers, and am one, who have left abusive fathers, and I know fathers who have left abusive mothers. Abused children will be more aggressive and negative. Abuse at this stage can be ended by an involved and caring grandparent or relative, with good outcomes. A sense of some family bonds can help the child take the outlook that it is the parent and not them that is the problem.

Concerned neighbors step in sometimes and call the authorities when they see or suspect abuse. This is something that we should all do. "It takes a village..." as the saying goes. Even in the overcrowded foster system, MOST of the time, the child is safer than in an abusive home. If you've ever watched the evening news, that's obvious! At play in their yards, neighborhoods, and parks children will meet friends. This will be their first social interaction with their peers who are not relatives. A well-adjusted child will be friendly and want to play with and make friends. A child who has been abused is more likely to be more physical with other children and turn into a bully. In their school years this will become a discipline and respect problem. Their emotional pain may stunt their growth intellectually and maturity wise.

If parents are ONLY verbally abusive, (only?!) then they may tell others that their child is, "lazy, worthless, sarcastic, stupid, dumb, has no common sense, is good for nothing, is a know-it-all, and even tell the child that they wish they were never born". Unfortunately, these co-workers, friends, or relatives may believe these things about the child since it is coming from a parent after all. Then everyone surrounding the child treats the child as if what the parent is saying is gospel, which sets up the self-fulfilling prophecy, and the child may model the behavior that has been attributed to it, whether it actually is that way, since the child figures if they are going to be accused, they may as well be that way! The verbal abuse takes their self esteem down word by word until they feel as worthless as the words that have been flung at them. Our child protective agencies, last I heard, can only prosecute for neglect, physical and sexual abuse. You can say to or call your kids anything that you want with the most happening to you is an estranged relationship with your child and possibly a civil suit when they are old enough. The laws aren't overly defined regarding verbal, emotional and mental abuse in children.

Your place of birth also plays a role in your treatment growing up. If your country believes that beating a child is the only way to be sure that they will follow disciplines, well then, that's what they may do! There are cultures where child abuse is an accepted form of punishment. In some cultures children are not allowed to be children and are put to work as soon as they are able, and in some girls and boys are married off as soon as they are sexually capable of reproduction. Your culture dictates the opportunities that are available to you.

Your ethnic group also has expectations of you. If you grew up in a nice neighborhood in a big house and everyone on your block went to college, then you are probably expected to, too. If you grew up where the people with the money got it breaking the law, then that may look like an acceptable risk to you. (but it's not FYI!)

Many studies have been done on how a good start in life can help people succeed and how a bad one can hold you back. In the end, it really is up to you to overcome any abuse or injustices that you have experienced growing up. It's hard to do that once you're an adult because 1. you have to realize that it has effected you. 2. you have to either know how, or know where to find help, to help you overcome these things. 3. you have to be willing to do the work to find balance and peace in your life. 4. you have to be able to examine, and then let go the things that were done to you. If you can't do that, and hold onto that grudge forever, it will only eat you up inside. Remember, the abuser may have no regrets about what they did to you if they are that kind of person, and if you confront them, they may not give you any type of explaination or closure.

We all should want to be our best selves and that takes loving yourself. Love yourself enough to give yourself the love that you may have been denied as a child. Make things right with and for yourself, so that you can grow to be the butterfly that you were meant to be. Soaring on your own unique, colorful wings that make you, you.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

Let's Start at the Beginning

2009-07-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

If you are a survivor of abuse and or assault, then to help with the PTSD of such events, it's best to start at the beginning. If it was familial abuse, then your development has been effected. You've come up with twisted theories in some cases as defense and protective mechanisms to keep you safe or sane or both. Your thinking processes may be skewed or slowed down due to fear, like the "deer in the headlights" that freezes, unsure of what to do. Psychologists recommend that we start by debriefing, which is a military term, coming from when soldiers come back from combat, they talk to someone about what happened to them there and how they feel about it. Some of us have been through mental, emotional, and even physical combat.

Our first impressions of the world come from our parents and caregivers. We are not able to think for ourselves at first. We can not solve problems in an adult manner. We need interaction with our environment to grow and learn. If we were neglected, we will be distrustful of others and have no faith in our world as a safe place to be. We must mature and experience the world around us if we are to be functional in it. This is more important than formal learning. If we were not allowed to socialize, this will stunt our social functioning. We may avoid making friends, as we don't know how, or don't trust them to stay our friends, or maybe even feel like we don't deserve friends, which is never true. We have to learn to solve problems by ourselves and reason things out. If we had overbearing parents, we may not have been allowed to do this, and now we may not trust our ability to do this for ourselves. We need to develop into beings that are safe, secure and feel nutured. We won't be able to think logically until those needs are met. Until then we will run around in survival mode just trying to get those needs met. Unfortunately, we usually look to other people or other things to fill that hole, when actually only you can do that for yourself once you're an adult.

We start out as little scientists learning what we can about and experimenting on the world. That teaches us how to deal with problems in experiences in the world. If our models lashed out in any way, physically, verbally, taking it out on others, then we may pick that up as our way of dealing with people and situations. This will make it challenging for us to function in the world.

My saving grace was school. Fortunately, I had some good teachers that taught me how to use reason and intellect, rather than my fists. I got praise from teachers and other students alike and that gave me the desire to be smart and do better and meet challenges head on, finding the best way to deal with them. I have met people who have not been so lucky, and not found encouragement anywhere.

Most victims of abuse have problems. I recently heard of a man who said that he didn't want to date anyone who had "daddy issues". I'm guessing that he had a bad experience with a woman who did. But, how sad is that to label all women who do not have a good relationship with their fathers! Is someone who was abused by their father less lovable?! Of course not! If they have not found a place of peace, then yes, they may be difficult to deal with, but did he even stop to think about her feelings and show a little compassion for what she may have gone through? I'll never know, because I definately won't be dating him, lol!

I'll be back! Hang in there! Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

Welcome to Works of Heart!

2009-07-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Some of you out there are already familiar with Works of Heart and myself, but this is for those of you who aren't. My motto is "Be the Butterfly You Were Meant to Be!". I work with women who are survivors of abuse and assault. I help them deal with the stress of such trauma and the everyday expectations that others have of them. I help them become comfortable in their own skin again, grow as a person, and move beyond their current limitations.

If this applies to you, then I can help! My name is Angelia Schwarz-Coleman and I am a survivor of child and spousal abuse, molestation and sexual assault. I struggled for years with PTSD and the mental and social anxieties that accompanied it. I have found my way up through this hellish canyon, and would like to help you do the same.

I am an Ordained Spiritual Minister, Registered Life Coach and Natural Healer.

Psychologists and counselors diagnosed and helped me with the anxiety, but were too busy to help me lay a foundation for self-esteem building and social reintegration. I had to do it the hard way, through trial and error, so I would like to help spare you the anxiety of going it alone.

You can see my website linked here, for more information about my practice.

In this blog, I hope to help you become more socially functional, find personal harmony and find balance in your life. You will experience personal transformation and hopefully resolution of stress associated with your trauma, if you stick with me! I use the butterfly analogy in my coaching practice: We start out as caterpillars-needing our basic needs of safety, security and nourishment met. Then we can cocoon ourselves, (this usually happens in adolescence, but sometimes our growth becomes stunted and we must go back and rediscover ourselves), and examine who we are and who we want to be. When we successfully negotiate that stage, then we can take steps to create the life that we want for ourselves. We can spread our wings and soar in our own unique, vibrant colors like the butterfly that we were born to be!

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia